The Master Cleanser

I'm pretty sure I've gone completely insane. I'm trying The Master Cleanser. A lot of you probably know what that is, and have probably even tried it, and all I have to say is - THIS IS INSANE!

Let me enlighten those of you who haven't heard of this insanity.

For anywhere from 14 to 40 days you eat nothing and drink only distilled water with some fresh squeezed lemon juice, a bit of organic grade B maple syrup, and a pinch of cayenne pepper mixed in.

That's it.

I'm finishing up my second day.

I think I am going to die.

Oh - and I forgot to mention the salt water. Every morning I drink 4 CUPS of sea salt water. And then I lay on the floor, breathing in and out trying very hard not to vomit. Because it's atrocious going down, I surely don't want it coming back up.

Because of the maple syrup (no sugar added, of course) I'm getting all the calories I need. The lemon juice provides the vitamin C, and the cayenne pepper helps with the B vitamins (both of which are non-water-soluble, so your body doesn't store them). This feeling of impending death by starvation is mostly mental.

I just want to CHEW something, for crying-out-loud.

The point of this whole ordeal is to rid the body of the toxins it's stored up. And I can tell you - I think it's working. That's the only thing keeping me from driving my butt over to Arby's and ordering one of everything. Most of the time I feel just fine - except for that nagging voice in the back of my brain saying Must. Have. Sugar. Now. Occasionally I have bouts of joint pain, light dizziness and weakness, headaches, and - most certainly - constant crankiness. But the book reassures me that that is the toxic poisons being broken down and released from my system. Totally normal.

Completely normal.

Except that I'm homicidal. Especially at night when I get snacky. Lemon water is not a sufficient snack.

Am I going to make 14 days? Maybe. If I'm not incarcerated for first degree murder first.

Will I make 40 days? Most certainly not.

Technically, you're supposed to do it until the white coating of toxic filth comes off your tongue and it turns back to a nice, pink color. That's another way I can tell something horrible is being broken down and released from my body. My tongue is white.

I feel like I haven't brushed my teeth since the beginning of time - no matter how many times I brush them.

I've been wanting to do this for a long time, but since I've been either pregnant or nursing (or both) for the last 3 years and 6 months, I haven't. I've been looking forward to the time I quit nursing Mia, which officially happened 2 days ago, so I could do this. Now I'm wishing I never heard of The Master Cleanser or toxins in the body. What you don't know can't hurt you, right?

Sorry this post is so long. I'm trying so very hard to stay out of the kitchen. It's harder then I thought. But ...

My will power is strong.

But is it stronger then the leftover spaghetti and meatballs sitting in the fridge?

I'll let you know in 12 days ....