The More The Crazier.

Now that Mia is one year old, I've been getting a lot of people asking, "So - when are you going to have more kids?"

And they say it so casually, like, "Hey - no big deal. You're Mormon. You pop those suckers out like they're going out of style."

Hi - have you MET my children?

And you want me to continue to reproduce?

Not that having a lot of children is a bad thing. For some people. There are those who God has created that have a greater mental capacity for dealing with little people. I, however, am convinced that when I gave birth to my first born, that along with losing about 30 pounds of water weight and a placenta, I somehow birthed my frontal lobe. Now I'm lacking capacity in motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior. 90% of the time I feel like I've had a lobotomy. And the other 10% of the time I feel like having a lobotomy would be better then having to deal with a public fit where the child is screaming so hard that they puke on the grocery store linoleum.

Again.

And then there's Tim. He's all gung-ho and ready for more. He's either crazier than me or just plain masochistic. He must like having pieces of furniture thrown at him, and that lamp I hit him with last must have either knocked all sense out of him, or left him with amnesia - because he must have forgotten what a beast I am when I'm pregnant. That's not even mentioning the whole post-partum mess.

I was talking to my mom about this whole my-kids-are-stinkers thing and do you know what she said?

Hi - have you MET YOURSELF?

Good point, mom. Just one more valid reason why I should quit while I'm ahead. If this whole likes-to-throw-things, temperamental, explosive, irritable, fit-throwing stuff is genetic - that would explain a lot.

That's not to say I'll feel differently in a year or two - or ten - but right now, two mini-me's are enough for one world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my almost three year old has poured a bottle of syrup on his head.

True story.

Picture Time

Highchair acrobatics.

Don't be fooled by the glowing light around her.

Mia's new past-time. Leaving food on the window sill.

First birthday.

At Mia's party.

He was on his third cupcake. Pretty sure he was about to ralph.

Yeah - he wears a speed-o. (Not really. It's a diaper cover.)

Who had a brain fart and left the baby in her clothes while she ate chocolate cupcakes?

Yet another picture to add to the retarded album.

Day Nine

OK. So I didn't quite make 10 days with lemon water only. I broke that fast with some heavenly tasting, fresh squeezed orange juice. I'm also making some homemade vegetable broth in the crock pot to drink tonight, and then tomorrow I will probably drink more orange juice and vegetable broth - and if I'm lucky I will get to eat a few of those cooked vegetables.

Anyone who would like to try this doesn't have to go all kamikaze and start with 14 days. A series of shorter fasts can be incredibly beneficial. Even from 24 hours to three days, and then work your way up to 10 to 14 days. Straight from my detox book:

"The shorter fasts give you experience and make the longer fasts easier. Your body becomes accustomed to periods of no food, so it is not such a shock for you physically and psychologically."

Obviously, I didn't make it 10 days - and seeing how it was my first fast in 3.5 years (I haven't even fasted on fast Sunday since I was either pregnant or breast-feeding) I think I did pretty well with 9 days.

Now, if you'll excuse me .. I have some orange juice calling my name.

Day Seven

I'm still here. I am living proof that one can actually live on lemon water for seven days - and feel fantastic!

Am I sure this is healthy? Absolutely.

I am not one to go on some fad diet. Actually, I've never really dieted before in my life. (Disclosure: This is not a diet.) I researched many, many cleanses for months before I chose this particular one. I read books on body chemistry, essential nutrients, benefits of fasting, herbal remedies, and the healing powers of food. I take my health very seriously. Granted, this cleanse is very intense, and there are some other cleanses out there that I may do in the future that are a little less intense. But, it being my first one, I wanted to go all out and get as many toxins out as possible.

Am I sure this is crazy? Most definitely.

Am I sure it's worth it? Abso-positve-lutely.

I feet wonderful. Headaches that have plagued me since junior high are gone. My insomnia is improving dramatically. My skin is clear and glowing - more then one person has commented on it. I have more energy than I have had in the past 5 years. I can go to bed later and wake up earlier and feel better then ever. I don't even need an afternoon nap anymore. Instead of napping, I get to read a book!

Is it still hard? YES! I want to chew something. I want to taste food. But if I can hang on for three more days, it will be over and I can stop dreaming about supreme pizza.

Day Three

I made it another day. Today was much better then yesterday, although it might have something to do with me getting out of my house and going down to my parent's house, where my sister helped me take the kids swimming, and then babysat while I went grocery shopping (aka getting more lemons and herbal laxative tea - yum).

The first three days are supposed to be the hardest .. That's what "they" say - whoever "they" are. I've made it three. Let's see if I make it four. This is more of a minute by minute thing. Days are just too long to think about. If I have to think about not eating any solid food for at least 11 more days I just. Might. FREAK! OUT!

Some of you may be worrying that I'm just going to pass out and die from lack of eating. Just to calm your fears, I lifted weights today and ran 2 miles and felt stronger then I did just last week.
"They" say you can even train for a marathon while doing this cleanse ... I think that's a little drastic, don't you?

Although, come to think of it, not eating for 14 days seems a bit drastic.

Tim even talked to me on the phone today without hanging up on me. I must be a little bit more pleasant to be around 'cause the kids aren't cowering in the corner anymore.

More to come ....

The Master Cleanser

I'm pretty sure I've gone completely insane. I'm trying The Master Cleanser. A lot of you probably know what that is, and have probably even tried it, and all I have to say is - THIS IS INSANE!

Let me enlighten those of you who haven't heard of this insanity.

For anywhere from 14 to 40 days you eat nothing and drink only distilled water with some fresh squeezed lemon juice, a bit of organic grade B maple syrup, and a pinch of cayenne pepper mixed in.

That's it.

I'm finishing up my second day.

I think I am going to die.

Oh - and I forgot to mention the salt water. Every morning I drink 4 CUPS of sea salt water. And then I lay on the floor, breathing in and out trying very hard not to vomit. Because it's atrocious going down, I surely don't want it coming back up.

Because of the maple syrup (no sugar added, of course) I'm getting all the calories I need. The lemon juice provides the vitamin C, and the cayenne pepper helps with the B vitamins (both of which are non-water-soluble, so your body doesn't store them). This feeling of impending death by starvation is mostly mental.

I just want to CHEW something, for crying-out-loud.

The point of this whole ordeal is to rid the body of the toxins it's stored up. And I can tell you - I think it's working. That's the only thing keeping me from driving my butt over to Arby's and ordering one of everything. Most of the time I feel just fine - except for that nagging voice in the back of my brain saying Must. Have. Sugar. Now. Occasionally I have bouts of joint pain, light dizziness and weakness, headaches, and - most certainly - constant crankiness. But the book reassures me that that is the toxic poisons being broken down and released from my system. Totally normal.

Completely normal.

Except that I'm homicidal. Especially at night when I get snacky. Lemon water is not a sufficient snack.

Am I going to make 14 days? Maybe. If I'm not incarcerated for first degree murder first.

Will I make 40 days? Most certainly not.

Technically, you're supposed to do it until the white coating of toxic filth comes off your tongue and it turns back to a nice, pink color. That's another way I can tell something horrible is being broken down and released from my body. My tongue is white.

I feel like I haven't brushed my teeth since the beginning of time - no matter how many times I brush them.

I've been wanting to do this for a long time, but since I've been either pregnant or nursing (or both) for the last 3 years and 6 months, I haven't. I've been looking forward to the time I quit nursing Mia, which officially happened 2 days ago, so I could do this. Now I'm wishing I never heard of The Master Cleanser or toxins in the body. What you don't know can't hurt you, right?

Sorry this post is so long. I'm trying so very hard to stay out of the kitchen. It's harder then I thought. But ...

My will power is strong.

But is it stronger then the leftover spaghetti and meatballs sitting in the fridge?

I'll let you know in 12 days ....

Happy Father's Day.