Have You Had That Baby Yet?

Anyone who thinks they may ask me this question any time in the next few hours/days, please refer here:

www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

And if you still feel the need to ask, here is your warning: You might just end up with a broken nose.

Trust me, you will know when I have the baby.  My phone is ringing off the hook today, and I simply can't even go out in public any more due to this question, because I am afraid for the life of the next person who asks me this.  I promise, we will call, text, email, or get a hold of you somehow if and when the baby decides to make its appearance. And if you aren't on the immediate contact list, you will probably see me hauling a baby carrier around - with a baby in it. 

My poor neighbor.  I saw her at the school today and she asked, very loudly and exaggeratedly, "You haven't had that baby YET?!"

I said, "Ya. I did. I'm hiding it in the closet."

I don't think she was amused.

Also, here are some other taboo things you shouldn't say to a very pregnant (or any pregnant) woman. 

1) Oh my gosh! You're huge! (Or any other reference to her body/size)
*Really? Thank you.  I'm not sure, but  I was under the impression that growing a human in your body made you get bigger?  I guess, unlike other pregnant woman, I tend to get bigger, not smaller during this time. ?? Not sure why everyone thinks it's OK to comment on a pregnant woman's body.  Any other time, body image/figure/weight gain is pretty much taboo.  It should be more so when dealing with a hormonal pregnant lady.  Common sense, folks.  Common sense.

2) How are you feeling? 
*Ummm... How about 12 months pregnant.  Poor Tim.  He asks me this all the time.  I sit up straighter. "Are you OK?"  I pee for the 12th time that hour. "Are you OK?" I sneeze.  "Are you OK?"  I'm fixing dinner.  "Are you having contractions?"  No, fool! I'm cooking dinner! Are you blind?

3) Please, please, please don't give a pregnant woman advice on how to induce labor.  Most likely, if she wants to know, she will either talk to her doctor, google it, or ask your advice.  Otherwise, let's just leave it alone, shall we?  If she's really pregnant, she has probably already tried everything she feels comfortable with.  We pregnant folk don't want to hear about how you ate eggplant parmeasean, went on a 4-wheeling ride, and then had sex right after and magically went into labor.  Really, we don't.

4) Also, please don't share your labor and deliver horror stories, especially with strangers in the grocery store down in the cold cereal aisle.  Unless someone asks you specifically to share - it's just another thing to leave alone.  We are about to go through the single most physically challenging thing of our lives, we don't need the holy shiz scared out of us.

I'm sure there's more, but, honestly, just use some common sense before you put your foot in your mouth or get a pregnant, swollen, edematous foot up your rear.