Sometimes people ask me, "Is nursing school hard?" The answer: Yes! But the things that are hardest for me aren't necessarily what you may think. The demands that it makes on my mind and my time are great. Immense. Overwhelming. Impossible. Hours spent in class. Hours spent studying for exams. Reading text books. Memorizing lab values. Remembering drug names and their side effects. Anatomy. Physiology. Pathology. These things are all hard. The concepts are hard. The hours are long. Tiring. Mentally challenging. Exhausting. But there is something that is harder.
When I first decided to go back to school, I had such inner conflict that I almost didn't do it. Tim had lost not one job, but two within 6 months of each other - courtesy of the aviation industry. We were unstable. Vulnerable. Uninsured. Poor. And getting poorer by the month. We needed stability. Nursing brought that. After much angst, personal revelation, questioning, anxiety - there was comfort in me going to nursing school. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Natural. It was the right thing to do. For us. But then I would talk myself out of it. I'm supposed to stay home with my children. That's the right thing to do. Being a mom. It's just what we, as women, are supposed to do. Right? It's what I've been taught week after week. As much as no one wants to admit it, there is a stigma against working mothers. Especially here in Utah. I hear it. I read it. I listen to it. Everyone talks about all the sacrifices they've made to be a mom. (Because it is a sacrifice. No argument there.) And, oh my gosh, they just can't imagine sending their kids to daycare. Can you imagine?? Why would anyone let someone else raise their children? The horror!! It's this terrible generalization we've made (I've made it myself in days past). But, I think what people don't understand is that mom who has to do it. She's making sacrifices, too. Sometimes even bigger sacrifices than anyone can imagine - were they not walking in those shoes. And yet, there is still so much judgement passed.
But something else was right for me and my family. It was my own family's personal revelation. My own revelation. My husband's revelation. And it was hard to accept that. It's still hard to accept that. Every. Single. Day.
Nursing school is hard. The hardest part: not seeing my kids for 2 or 3 days while they sleep at grandma and grandpa's; taking them to daycare, because I have to go to class or clinical and watching my 2 year old cling to her favorite blanket and say, "I be brave, mommy. I be brave;" Having my 4 year old tell me he doesn't like the song "You Are My Sunshine" because it's too sad when we sing "And when I woke dear, I was mistaken - Please don't take my sunshine away."
That's the hardest part. And I frequently question my judgement and decision to go back to school. But, I have to remind myself over and over about the personal revelation we received as a family. And if it was right then, it's still right now. Even if it gets harder. Every. Single. Day.
