Here's The Speech I Gave ...

Here's a sample of one of the million things I've been doing this week. It's a speech I gave in class. And I'm posting it because I'm too tired to think of anything else to post ....

So you’re fat, and you’re slow. That doesn’t mean you can’t compete in a triathlon. Maybe compete isn’t the right word. Maybe attempt, struggle, or drag your butt across the finish line are better verbs to complete that sentence. However you say it, you can do a triathlon, and you can make it to the finish. In her book, Slow Fat Triahtlete: Live Your Athletic Dreams in the Body You Have Now, Jayne Williams lays out the cold, hard facts for the average Joe who has ever envisioned him or herself crossing the finish line of a triathlon. Since this book isn’t for the well seasoned triathlete who quote “wants another training book so they can shave twenty-three seconds off their bike time” Jayne doesn’t go into a lot of detail about training plans and how many ounces of lean protein you should consume before or after your run. Instead, she focuses on what a triathlon is, how to get started, the equipment you’ll need, and how to laugh your way through your humiliation.

A triathlon is exactly what it sounds like, pure torture consisting for three athletic events. For some of us, the thought of even one athletic event is enough to make us want to grab the first tub of ice cream we see and run for the nearest couch. But, triathlons don’t have to be about competing in the Ironman: Hawaii. There are smaller triathlons, equivalent to the 100 meter sprint in running. First there are Sprint distance triathlons which consist of swimming about half a mile, biking 12 miles, and running a 5K, which is 3.1 miles. Next there are Olympic distance triathlons which consist of swimming just under a mile, biking about 26 miles, and running a 10K or 6.2 miles. Now we work our way up to the Half Ironman triathlons, which consist of swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56 miles, and running 13.1 miles. And last, but definitely not least is the Ironman which consists of a mere 2.4 miles of swimming, 112 miles of cycling, and then finishing up with a full marathon, or 26.2 miles of running, and only seventeen hours to do it in. To be honest, most triathletes never make it this far, so let’s stick with what we can do; the sprint distance.

Getting started might just be the hardest part, right up there next to running 3.1 miles after biking 12 miles and swimming half a mile. Really, getting started just means getting up of the couch and going. Obviously, if you’re in poor health, you will need to talk to your doctor before attempting any of this. If “going” is you walking down to the end of the block and back, then you go! After a while you’ll find yourself jogging down the block and back, and with time you’ll be jogging that 3.1 miles.

In order to be able to jog down to the end of the block, you’re going to need running shoes. This is where I wouldn’t be too skimpy on the cash. Your running shoes will either make you or break you, so you want to make sure it’s a pair that fits well and are extremely comfortable. The average running shoe generally needs to be about a full size bigger than what you normally wear around town to allow for foot expansion. Did I mention that they need to be comfortable? When it comes to the bike, you don’t need to have the Italian made, carbon frame, light-weight, 10 grand bicycle that rivals Lance Armstrong’s. Any old bike will do, as long as the tires inflate and the brakes work. Make sure you don’t forget a helmet, either. And, please, make sure you are actually wearing your helmet and strapping it under your chin and not setting it on top of your head and praying that 'static electricity' is going to hold it to your skull in case you flip over your handle bars when trying to avoid that snake on the trail. And for the swimming, all you need is a swimming suit and some swim goggles, and let’s face it, a lot of self esteem to wear them. But if you are planning on doing a triathlon somewhere cold, like San Francisco Bay, you’re going to need a wet suit. You’re also going to have to learn how to put on a wetsuit without falling over, so maybe at first you should just stick to the swimsuit.

Now that you have all of your equipment and you’ve started walking down the block and back, you may start to encounter something called pain; pain in your knee, pain in your pinky toe, or pain in your right shoulder. Not everything associated with triathlons is all bright colored spandex and sweaty hugs at the finish line. You can get injured while training, and so the best advice is to just start slow and expect some aches and pains, but not excruciating aches and pains. The best thing to use for those small to moderate aches and pains is RICE: Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. Again, you don’t have to have the fancy gel ice packs. A medium sized bag of frozen peas will do just fine. Just make sure you write on them, '“Caution: Theraputic Peas – Do Not Consume” for the health and safety of your family members'.

Of all the injuries you could sustain while attempting this, the worst one is 'losing your sense of humor'. One of the quickest ways to lose it is by comparing yourself to others. Everyone is always going to be quicker than you, thinner than you, and will look better in their spandex. So the easiest way to not fall into this trap is to just get over it. Also, stress and fatigue can put a damper on your triathlete dreams. Maybe your [nursing instructor] is 'emulating Saddam Hussein', your work won’t stop calling you in, and your school just pulled another, “You better be here on Wednesday for that pop dosage calculations quiz.” So, it’s OK to miss a training session or two to take a hot bath instead of running your brains out, but make sure you get back on track within the next day or two.

In short, anyone can train for a triathlon. So, go ahead, and contrary to your better judgment, sign up for a race. All you need is a pair of running shoes, a bike and helmet, a swim suit, a little humility and a good, healthy sense of humor.